Rock-Solid-Bottom

“Wat heb je daar?!” Ik had hem weg moeten zetten. Helemaal vergeten. En nu zit  oudste dochter met ogen vol spot te wijzen op het hoekje naast de boekenkast. Daar staat mijn Little Tony’s Rock ‘n Roll Stepper.  De hoon van de hele familie is mijn deel. Ik beken. Ik beken alles. De Rock Stepper is de opvolger van de complete vetverbrandende workout van Windsor Pilates. Daarvoor bezat ik de Ab-Flex waardoor buikjes veranderen in wasbordjes . Allemaal van Tel Sell. Dat bedrijf is mede dankzij mij gered van een faillissement. Zap ik een keertje op een wonderlijk tijdstip, staat daar net Little Tony. Beetje foute man met een sneu paardenstaartje. Soort in elkaar gedeukte GI-Joe. En die belooft me met vijf minuten per dag een rock-solid-bottom. Oftewel een Keiharde Kont. En al besef ik onmiddellijk dat het met een keiharde kont vast geen pretje is om op een kerkbankje de hele Mattheüs-Passion uit te zitten, toch trap ik er in. De mevrouw die op televisie staat te rocken, is maar zeven jaar jonger dan ik. En ze ziet er acht jaar jonger uit. Bovendien is het apparaat in de aanbieding. En je krijgt er een voordelig anti-slipmatje bij. Dat was trouwens het eerste en enige dat aanvankelijk aan huis werd bezorgd. Ik bel meteen met de informatielijn. Wat heb ik aan alleen een matje?

“De Rock Stepper wordt nabezorgd, mevrouw,” stelde een aardige mevrouw me gerust.

Ik: “Dus ik moet voorlopig nog even de wereld door zonder droomfiguur?”

Zij: “De wereld moet nog even wachten.”  Met zulke teksten is het helemaal niet erg dat zo’n apparaat op zich laat wachten. We nemen afscheid alsof we elkaar al jaren kennen. Ik bel om de week met Tell Sell en ik hang iedere keer snikkend van het lachen op. Het is bijna een teleurstelling als het apparaat van Little Tony arriveert. Bovendien heb ik nu geen enkel excuus meer om mijn drilbillen nog langer te gedogen. Dat oudste dochter zo genadeloos de spot drijft met mij en mijn Rock Stepper, geeft de doorslag. Ik ga aan de slag. Rock Solid Bottom, come to me!

Salontafel aan de kant, antislipmat op de vloer, apparaat in positie, sportschoenen aan, trainingsbroek, shirt en een bidon vol water. Dvd in het apparaat en……. daar is ie. Little Tony.

Die Tony is een stevige jongen. Hij heeft zelfs een buikje. En geen ondertiteling. Maar zijn tekst gaat ook niet verder dan: “Come on! You go! Right! Rock!”  Prima te volgen. Alleen beweegt Tony bij de warming up volledig uit de maat. Heel verwarrend. Ik denk dat ze er later een ander muziekje onder hebben gezet. Halverwege de oefening denk ik: het raam! Ik ren, trek de gordijnen dicht en hoop dat niemand mij gespot heeft. De enige met wie ik op dit treurige moment oogcontact wil, is Little Tony. Hij kijkt me vanuit de studio bemoedigend aan. Vol vertrouwen volg ik zijn aanwijzingen en ik stap bezweet en voldaan af bij zijn kreet: ‘Beginners! Out!’ Ik vertrouw hem volledig. Ik heb alleen bedenkingen bij zijn afslankplan. Volgens Little Tony moet ik op dag 9 en dag 15 ontbijten met een omelet van 7 eiwitten, 55 gram magere kaas, paprika, champignons, ui, tomaat en een banaan. Ik weet nog niet of ik dat over heb voor een keiharde kont.

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