Overgang

Ik ben het zat. Ik slaap slecht. De ene opvlieger na de andere golft door mijn lijf. Dekbed eraf, klam en kil, dekbed er op, tropische hitte.
“Het is ook erg warm,” zegt mijn lief.
“Dit voelt heel anders, hoor,” zeg ik zoetjes. Maar ik zet bij zo’n opmerking in gedachten meteen een bijl in zijn schedel. Hup, gekliefd. Net zo makkelijk. Allemaal heel hormonaal. Dus ik ga maar even liggen op de tegels van de badkamer. Met het risico dat ik door onderkoeling iets heel akeligs oploop. En ik ruim wat op in de werkkamer, met de pest in dat ik mijn pas aangeschafte papierversnipperaar niet kan gebruiken. Mijn lief, die nergens last van heeft, ligt immers heerlijk te snurken in de kamer hiernaast. Pas als de wekker gaat, ontwaak ik met een schok uit een onverwacht diepe slaap. Mijn leven is een drama. En ik heb geen idee waarom men dit de overgang noemt. Overgang tot wat? Is er nog een leven hierna? Ik wil gewoon mijn leven van hiervoor!
“Ik wil mijn leven terug,” zeg ik tegen de huisarts. Hij kijkt me toegeeflijk glimlachend aan. “Ik heb een patiënt die zei: ‘Dokter, de ramen achter me beslaan’.” Hij lacht erbij. Trots. Wat zijn vrouwen toch fantastisch, zegt zijn blik. Dat ze dat allemaal met humor doorstaan. En hij bekijkt me kritisch. Want ik lach niet mee. Dus hij voegt eraan toe: “Het is een natuurlijk proces.”
Ja. Dat zal best. Die zijn er meer. Ik zeg: “Dat is ieder jaar een kind krijgen ook. En dat doen we ook niet. Ik heb hier geen zin in. Ik wil gewoon functioneren. Ik wil niet dat midden op de dag mijn hemd aan mijn lijf plakt, terwijl ik niet eens beweeg! Ik kan niet meer denken bij een opvlieger. Ik krijg rare neigingen als mijn echtgenoot zegt dat het ook wel benauwd is, vandaag. Dan wil ik hem vermoorden.”
“Het gaat vanzelf over,” zegt mijn arts. “En er zijn kruidenmiddeltjes. Katoenen ondergoed. Een speciaal spreekuur bij een overgangsdeskundige.”
Ik geef geen krimp. Ik ben op een missie. Mij krijgt ie zonder effectief middel de deur niet uit. Dus ik zeg: “Dat vind ik niks. Ik heb koningin Beatrix nog nooit een opvlieger zien krijgen tijdens het voorlezen van de troonrede. Of Neelie Smit Kroes met een rooie kop de paperclipfabrikanten zien berispen vanwege het maken prijsafspraken. Wat zij slikken, dat wil ik ook.” En ik denk: Zo. Nou jij weer.
“Er is wel een middel, natuurlijk,” zegt mijn arts. “En het is ook nog goed tegen botontkalking. Maar ja, alle risico’s zijn niet mis. Je hebt bijvoorbeeld een verhoogd risico op borstkanker…” Hij kijkt het raam uit.
“Dat neem ik op de koop toe,” zeg ik. “Als mannen zouden voelen wat ik voel, slikten ze met z’n allen al lang pillen. Ook al liepen ze daarbij verhoogd risico op prostaatkanker.” Hij geeft me een toegeeflijk knikje. Maar hij tikt nog steeds niks in op de computer. Dus ik gebruik het enige argument dat iedere man aanspreekt: “Mijn liefdesleven is ook geen cent meer waard door dat gelazer.”
Bingo. Hij tikt. De printer spuugt mijn redding uit. Diezelfde nacht al slaap ik als een roos. Door één pilletje. En de volgende ochtend gebruik ik zeer tevreden mijn papierversnipperaar: Ik draai de bijsluiter aan feestelijke serpentines!

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