Invloed

“Als ze zich wat onzeker voelt, komt ze altijd een weekend logeren.”

Vriendin Hanna zegt het tevreden. Ze verwent haar dochter twee dagen lang met lekkere hapjes en zinnige gesprekken, waarna haar kind gesterkt nieuwe uitdagingen tegemoet stapt. “En dan zitten we tot diep in de nacht te praten over het leven. Dat is heel bijzonder. Bijna een verstild moment,” mijmert Hanna. Ik benijd haar intens. Ik heb geen verstilde momenten met mijn dochters.

Mijn jongste belt regelmatig op. Ik krijg een heel verslag, waaruit ik onzekerheid distilleer en omdat ik weet dat het toch geen weekend logeren gaat worden, begin ik een preek. Na twee minuten bemoedigende tekst, zegt mijn kind: “Ja mam, ik ga je even hangen, hoor! Moet naar de w.c.!”

Mijn middelste staat soms zomaar voor dag en dauw voor de deur met een kind in een bakje en een kind op twee benen.

“Wat leuk!” roep ik dan oprecht verheugd. Want ik denk dat ze me nodig heeft. Voor advies, steun, aaien over haar bol en meters goede raad. Niets van dat al. Haar echtgenoot heeft haar gedropt voor hij naar zijn werk reed en zij vraagt: “Mag ik je auto even lenen? Want ik wil vandaag zo graag naar vriendin X en ik weet dat je vandaag niks hebt. Toe????” En als ik meteen toegeef, want ik hoef inderdaad nergens heen en ik heb mijn neus in het warme nekje van de drie maanden oude Sophie gestoken, waarna ik overal ‘ja’ opzeg, roept ze: “Maar ik ga eerst even naar de w.c.!” En verdwijnt langdurig uit beeld.

“Met Pasen ga ik heerlijk een weekend naar een hotel. We hebben een arrangement, dochter en ik. We huren fietsen, er is een sauna en een zwembad. We verheugen ons zo! Het wordt echt een vriendinnenweekend,” vertelt Hanna.

Ik heb binnenkort ook een weekend. Met mijn oudste. Dat wilde ze voor haar verjaardag. Een heel weekend in een huis ergens in het bos, waar ze ons gaan leren hoe we een dier moeten prepareren. Eerst wilde ze graag een vogel opzetten. Later toch liever een haasje. Mij maakt het niets uit. Ik vind het allebei niks.

“Ik heb echt een positieve invloed op haar,” besluit Hanna tevreden.

Ik pieker daar lang over na. Wat voor invloed heb ik in hemelsnaam op de mijne? Als je lang genoeg piekert, ontdek je de patronen vanzelf. Ik bel Merel en zeg: “Zullen we voor je volgende verjaardag een weekend naar zo’n verwenhotel?”

“Leuk!” roept ze gehaast. “Maar ik ga! Ik moet zo nodig!”

Dan weet ik het. Ik werk laxerend.

 

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